Why am I not writing?

Back in March I started a fresh journal, and it felt like a good time to set myself three goals for the rest of the year. A few months later, I’ve made steady progress towards two of them, but my third goal, “Write more”, still eludes me. The goal seems simple enough. Let’s dig a little deeper to see where I’m running into trouble.

1. Because I don’t have time

It’s a common excuse, but a sensible place to start. If this was “One Why”, we wouldn’t get very far. I find myself able to watch a movie most evenings. That’s two hours or more that could be spent writing, if time was the only limiting factor.

Let’s be more precise here - is it time I lack, or attention?

Decision fatigue doesn’t seem to be a factor here. Even in the cold light of day, given the choice between writing and watching a movie in the evenings, I would absolutely choose the movie. I enjoy writing, but that doesn’t mean it’s relaxing. In the evenings I want to switch my brain off - watch a movie, maybe read a book.

So… why don’t I “have time”?

2. Because I am not protecting dedicated writing time

If I know I won’t write in the evenings, that means I need to find a slot earlier in the day to write. I’m lucky enough to have flexible working hours, so I can carve out a slot to write. Being specific will help. Let’s be proactive, and figure out how to carve out a regular slot for writing.

Let’s say I want to block out half an hour, five days a week, to write. What will hold me back? I’ll still have enough energy. I’m already very disciplined with protecting my calendar, so there shouldn’t be big issues there.

I guess the next question to ask is: why haven’t I done this already?

3. Because I believe writing can only happen in long, uninterrupted chunks

Now we’re getting somewhere! This is, again, something I intuitively believe to be true, despite compelling evidence to the contrary.

I recently finished [Sonke Ahrens - How to Take Smart Notes] and it’s started to get me to think differently about writing. The traditional view of writing is that it’s a linear process, and you have to go from start to finish, with “word count” being your main measure of progress. Knock out 500 words per day and you’re doing well. Knock out 499 words and you’ve let yourself down.

Ahrens gets us to think of writing as a set of discrete tasks. Sure, we might think of research, drafting, editing and proofreading as separate tasks, this is not groundbreaking insight. But there is also the big chunk of time spent mulling over ideas. This is where we spend a large chunk of our “writing” time, without adding to the word count. This is why word count feels so frustrating - you can have a productive day, where you’ve really got to the bottom of some gnarly thought, and yet your main metric says that the day was not successful, because you didn’t hit your word count.

Notes fix this problem. Notes are a measure of progress in understanding, something that could never be deduced from published works alone. I’m a strong believer in measuring process instead of outcomes. If each note stands alone as a unit (note-taking nerds call this an “atomic note”) then you have a concrete metric that you can track. What gets measured gets managed.

Having a written record of your thought process is valuable for all sorts of other reasons, but those are ideas saved away for another day… Don’t worry, I’ve got notes about it.

So, why don’t I start writing in smaller chunks?

4. Because I am focused solely on the output, not the process

There is definitely a trap here. Writing notes is not the same as writing a whole article, and a long way away from writing a book.

My notes aren’t good enough to publish as articles, are they? Well, I guess that depends on what your intentions are. Done is better than perfect - I know that much. It’d be nice for the quality of my output to be high, but how is that ever going to happen without pressing publish? To get good, you need to suck for a long time first. I’ve got to put in the 10000 hours.

There’s something here that is troubling me, but it really shouldn’t. It’s this idea that notes are transient and can be thrown away. Publishing something on the other hand, that’s a big deal. Once you publish something on the Internet, it’s there forever. “What will people think of me?”

Let’s be clear: they won’t think anything at all. I haven’t advertised this blog anywhere. If I blog in a forest and there’s nobody around with one hand clapping, does any of this even matter?

Let’s suppose I do start sharing this around. Who’s going to read it? Maybe a handful of people. And those are either people I know well, or random people of the Internet who’ve stumbled upon this blog. The people I know have a pretty good idea of who I am. I’m not one for keeping secrets. As for the other group, am I really going to make decisions based on what some rando on the Internet thinks about me?

So, despite all the evidence from these first four whys, why oh why am I not willing to trust the system?

5. Because I have not yet established a writing practice

Forming habits takes a long time. I have started taking notes, and I do feel like they’re helping. With some dedicated blocks of time, and a little more practice, the words should start to come a little easier.

Sometimes I guess you need to trust the process.

I’ve been disappointed with how few posts I’ve published, but these Five Whys have been reassuring. With a few small changes, I can do better. Ultimately, all the metrics don’t matter, whether it’s word count or number of notes. What really matters is that I’m getting better, and that I’m having a good time along the way. Yes to both!

Let’s check back in a few months, and see where I’ve got to.

Edit: I originally wrote this draft back in May. It’s now late August and I’m finally willing to Press Publish.

Clearly there is still work to do, but progress is progress. Looking back on this, my thoughts have definitely evolved. I have some ideas circulating in my head for a follow-up. If past performance is indicative of future results, then you can look forward to reading that in 4-6 months.